Questions and Guilt of this Mom..

Layla has been in preschool now for 2 weeks and surprisingly is doing very well. The paint center was a hit right away for her. There hasn't been a day yet that she hasn't came home with paint from head to toe! She was evaluated for a special needs preschool in the public school and qualified, but they couldn't get her in until the fall. Knowing that she needed more social interaction with children her own age, we decided to put her in a regular preschool with typically developing peers for the spring and summer.

Last week I received an email from one of her teachers saying that Layla is on target for her age in social skills and is getting along wonderfully with her classmates. This was surprising to me because it seems that we go thru one battle after another at home and when we take her anywhere. She is very social, but often has meltdowns, sometimes comes across like a bully to children, says inappropriate things at inappropriate times, is very defiant especially to people she is comfortable with,  and has a hard time sitting for very long.  She is such a special little girl and is hilarious, affectionate, loves to laugh, is very smart, and is the sassiest little thing you will ever meet,  but also has many challenging behaviors that I'm often at a loss as to what to do. So, you can imagine my amazement when the teacher said, "we haven't had any problems at all!" Then to top that off, yesterday the teacher said, " Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting, but I can't tell any difference in her and our other friends in the class."

I'm so relieved that she is doing well and not beating up or bossing the other children in her class, but once again the question I have asked myself 1 zillion times since the diagnosis, "Does she really have Aspergers?" Don't get me wrong, I know there is something going on or I wouldn't have had her evaluated, but is Aspergers really it? Could it be something else? There are some characteristics that fit, but other things that are so far off. Then you throw in the fact that she is adopted from a third world country, was severely malnourished, and even more questions surface and satan begins to invade my mind with guilt. Could I have done more when she was younger? Could I have prevented this? Maybe I should have worked harder on attachment and bonding when we first arrived home (I was very sick for a few days after we arrived home and couldn't get out of bed)? Maybe I shouldn't have listened to the doctors and had her immunized a second time when we arrived in the states. And the questions and thoughts of guilt go on and on. Could it be Reactive Attachment Disorder (although she has bonded to our family and some friends very well)? Could it be Oppositional Defiance Disorder (she shows every characteristic, but I'm told this often goes along with Aspergers)? Could it be Sensory Processing Disorder (she is under-sensitive to touch and other things which again brings me back to the fact she wasn't held or touched much in her first 6 months of life)? Right now I honestly don't know. This is what we have now so we're going with it until we get more answers.

It is so hard to see your child struggle and there is nothing you can do or know to do that seems to be working. Today our melt downs included her brother sitting in "her spot" at the table, not being able to get a belt buckled, having a hard time getting her pants on "the right way", a sweet potato being on her plate, and her hot dog being cut up (she wanted a "big" hot dog). It seems that no matter what I do or try, there is absolutely no reasoning with her. It is a screaming fit, and she hits an octave I have never heard from any human being in my life! Then I also see Izaiah and Braylon struggling as well. We try to discipline her in the same way we do the boys, but if we honestly did that she would be in her room all day everyday, no joke. It broke my heart the other night when I was putting the boys to bed after one of Layla's episodes, I told the boys, "you know mommy loves you with all my heart?" Braylon said, "yeah, but you love Layla more." In that moment I wanted to cry my eyes out. The Lord gave me the strength to explain to him that I didn't love Layla anymore, its just that Layla requires a little more attention and I was so sorry that I made him feel that way.

Since Layla has started preschool I have been able to spend more time with the boys and it has giving me much needed respite. I feel much less stressed and tense at the end of every day. It has made such a difference in the boys as well, but once again I feel guilt. Guilt that "I" was not able to give her what she needed when she was home with me, guilt that our whole family can't be together during the day, guilt that her behavior makes me so tense and stressed that I need the break, and guilt that I'm away from her for 5 hours everyday. I know that guilt is not from God and these are all satan's attacks on my mind (remember when I said I feel there are 10 people in my head?). I'm praying for the Lord to be my shield and my helmet as satan sends these arrows my way. He is teaching me so much through my sweet little Layla. How much He loves us unconditionally and what unconditional love really looks like. Also teaching me that what He calls us to do in this life is not easy. He says that it will be hard, that we will struggle, that to truly follow him, "care for orphans and widows", is not all glitz and glamour. It is hard! But God is glorified, we gain character and perseverance, and we look forward to the day when every tear will be wiped away and everything will be as it should be.

I have often got the feeling that people wanted to ask me, if I knew then what I know now, would we still have adopted? That is a question I don't even have to think about! Absolutely! I would not change one thing. She has changed our lives and made us so much closer to God. She is truly a blessing. In fact, we will probably adopt again! Adoption is addictive by the way.  How thankful I am that the Lord adopted me! I'm still amazed that he would never change His mind, no matter how much I screw up, doubt, and feel inadequate; He still loves me exactly the same. His love never ever changes. Praise God!